Are you a Kenya Cowboy?

Kenya Cowboy

1. Do you own more than one passport? Is your name just one syllable long?

2. Is your Swahili a hell of a lot better than that of your parents? Do you know a few words in Kikuyu and Maa too?

3. Does your daily uniform consist of; short khaki shorts, socks and suede Bata boots (The boots that say you know Africa), checked shirt, sleeveless fleece, beaded belt, (Leatherman attached), leather hat or baseball cap? And while we are on the subject, when did you buy your jeans? The 80s?

4. Do you live in a house on your parents’ property? Do you have Sunday lunch or sundowners with them every week?

5. Do you have a pilot’s licence or own a long wheel base Landcruiser with high lift jack and game viewing hatches?  Are there Kenny Rogers cds in there?

6. Have you worked in the Safari business? Are you also something of an expert in local flora, fauna and birdlife?

7. Can you open a beer bottle without an opener, make a loud cattle whistle by sticking your fingers in your mouth and flick your hand to make a clicking sound to emphasise a point?

8. Do people have trouble placing your accent and do your sentences often begin or end with the word, ‘man’.

9. Are your friends exclusively all people you have known since childhood?

10. Have you named your children after geographic landmarks in Kenya? I’m thinking mountain peaks, national park gates, rivers etc?

Help – I think I married one!!! Yikes!

UK MPs in Jail for petty fraud

I am hopelessly out of date on current affairs, always.  I do try and read the Telegraph online every day (The Times is for subscribers only), I get a subscription to The Week thanks to my mum and my mother-in-law regularly, very kindly posts various supplements from the weekend papers.  I also occasionally watch the BBC news.  However, on reading a back dated copy of The Times Review this morning, I was surprised to see news that a UK MP was actually jailed for fiddling his expenses (remanded rather than just severely reprimanded).

I'm not sure how this whole scandal slipped past my radar.. apart from the fact that the news broke in early January and we were still in the throws of Christmas, school starting and visitors.  Anyhow, I thought it worth a mention especially since the 'oh so vocal' Kenyan politicians seem to get away with murder in this country, literally -(since they are busy trying to divorce themselves from the remit of the ICC).  Big sigh! 

(BTW Chris Foot, new presenter on Capital FM, please do stop trying to brain wash us all that Ocampo is some sort of bumbling crook and that no one believes in the ICC - it's grating - your mates are going down.)

Back to the point - In actual fact, two UK MPs have now been jailed for the same infraction (the second in Feb) - defrauding public funds.  Former Labour MP David Chaytor was found guilty of fraudulently claiming 18,350 pounds (around 2 million shillings) in expenses over a matter of years.  He apparently claimed for rent for two homes, one using a fake tenancy agreement, the other claiming for a home that was actually owned by his senile mother and forged invoices for computer services.  He is now in jail for 18 months - He's recently been moved to an open prison but still, his barrister described him as 'a broken man.'

Fomer Labour MP Eric Illsley was sentanced to 12 months in prison having been charged with false accounting amounting to 14,500 in parliamentary expenses.  Tory Peer Lord Taylor of Warwick has been found guilty in January and is awaiting sentancing.  Two other former MPs Elliot Morley and Jim Devine are still awaiting trail.

It's worth noting that these MPs are paid far less for their public service than their Kenyan counterparts.  When the MPs expenses scandal first broke in the Uk in 2009, some felt that the fraud was almost 'justifiable' since they were paid so poorly.  In the context of Kenyan politics, the amounts defrauded are tiny compared to the 'billion shilling' scandals we are used to hearing/reading about, so you'd almost be forgiven for thinking the charges insignificant.  Yet they are not.  These UK MPS have been taken to task ostensibly because they have 'born a small but signficant part of the responsibility in the public's loss of trust in MPs'.  Fair enough.

I'm not suggesting a Middle East style/Facebook revolution here, but really - when does the impunity end?

Rain?!

Just after I wrote the previous post, we have had two days of dramatic thunderstorms and rain here in Nairobi!  Suddenly from hot and humid, we had flooded roads and grey skies after weeks of sun and canny hawkers selling umbrellas in the CBD. 

The dust has settled, everyone is happy.  A friend of mine says that two days of rain in the middle of a hot period is described by farmers as 'grass rains'.  I think our yellow, crispy lawn has certainly appreciated the drink.

Carrying Water

I hate to tell you this, especially those readers who might be in Europe or colder parts elsewhere at the moment – but here in Nairobi we are basking under clear blue skies and experiencing record temperatures. On Monday it was 32/90 degrees which some say was Nairobi’s hottest day ever! Occasionally there’s a light breeze fluttering past but the rest of the time it’s hot, hot, hot.

In this hot weather, I hardly dare admit that our new swimming pool has come into its own – the whole family dip in every day and we lounge around it all weekend – in fact, since it was finished there’s been hardly any need to leave the house. Apart from the occasional influx of visitors bringing kids for a dip, we are becoming hermits. With the solar heating running all day, the water is almost too warm! My husband and I are on a steep learning curve as far as pool chemicals, backwashing and ph balancing is concerned, but we’re not complaining! I bought my husband a barbecue for his birthday (sort of a present for me too!) - so we’ll christen it this weekend with my South Africa friend’s favourite ‘beer chicken’ recipe! (you stick an open can of beer inside the chicken then bbq it on its end).

Family back home are green with envy as we chat on Skype with sheet rain and fog as a backdrop behind them.

‘Please don’t send us any more photographs of your pool!’ They say. ‘We can’t face it.’

It is important to note here that it is summer here, also known as the dry or hot season – so it’s supposed to be hot. Just to make you feel better, July and August in Nairobi can be chilly, overcast and drizzly (sometimes).

But as usual, though these might be perfect holiday conditions to the Western eye, dry weather in Kenya is not really good news at all. Suddenly, everywhere you look, there are people carrying water. Yellow plastic containers, on heads, on backs, carried by children and on handcarts. Roads are jammed by blue, water bowser trucks trundling from place to place, water trickling out from rusty weak points near the bumper. At taps and standpipes there are always queues. On days when the City Council pump their supply of public water, people are already poised at places where there might be breaks or pipes leaking, desperately trying to siphon it hungrily from the roadside. Cows that have been driven from out of town stray into the National National Park in search of pasture or cause roadway chaos as they graze on busy verges. The reality of water being a precious and increasingly scarce commodity is brought into sharp focus here. It makes me fear for the future.

Charities and civil service sectors are already voicing serious concern about Kenya’s current drought. The Red Cross have recently been out in the field to assess the severity of the situation. In some parts of the country there have already been fatalities due to starvation and as we face not just February but March without rain, the numbers are set to rise. Schools are closing as children are sent by parents to search for water, or are too weak to attend. Food aid is already being delivered to areas most badly affected and on the radio today they said that those who manage to have one meal a day at the moment are the ‘lucky’ ones.

We hope that rain will come soon, but there have been predictions that the April/long rains may fail. Let’s hope not. The knock on effect, as usual, would be huge. Rising food and electricity prices (Kenya is still heavily reliant on hydro electric power, the alternative being expensive diesel generation) affect the entire economy.

Kenya almost perpetually seems to be in a state of either flood, or famine due to failing rains. Along with climate change, Kenya is always badly affected by the La Nina and El Nino phenomenon (see previous post). There are other factors too; pressures of an exponential population growth, deforestation, bad governance. However, the Government does seem aware of the situation - so there is possibly reason to hope. Raila Odinga has announced that school fees in the most drought stricken areas be waived during this difficult time so that children’s education is not interrupted (food aid is often distributed via schools). Some of Kenya’s forested areas like the Mau, Aberdares (precious water catchment areas) are now being protected to prevent further destruction and regenerated by the planting of more trees.

While we obviously love the warm weather and the privileges we have, I haven't forgotten that here the heat never comes without consequences. Back home; appreciate the rain and the fact that water never fails to run from the taps. At least you don’t see people carrying water like you do here. In Kenya, for good reason, rain is always seen as the greatest blessing on earth.  Fingers crossed for a hot summer in Europe!


An interesting article on aid in The Standard - click here:
http://www.standardmedia.co.ke/news/InsidePage.php?id=2000028794&cid=159&story=Aid agency says donor priorities out of tune

Ants con't.

'There's an ant in my stew.'  My middle daughter said yesterday evening.  Funnily enought, she's always the one that gets the fish bone, the maggot in the mango - you name it.

'Nonsense,' I said firmly.

'Yes there is - look!' She insisted, proffering her fork.

'Let me have a look.' I said, studying said fork.  She was right; it was an ant.


While making my husband's birthday cake this morning (and the prize for wife of the year award goes to...!) I discovered to my dismay that the sugar ants have indeed now found my secret 'ant proof' hiding place on top of the microwave.  The softened butter was riddled with the menaces.  What is it about butter that they love so much.  Some had tiny wriggling back legs, head stuffed in the butter with no hope of getting out again.  A suicide mission! - and for now, curiously, they are leaving my sugar bowl well alone.

Tonight there may well be complaining comments about ants in the cake - but I'm willing to brazen it out..

Pirate DVDs in Kenya

We watched The King's Speech last night.  I had looked for it in the local cinema listings but then heard a rumour that it might not come to Silverbird Kenya (they seem to generally prefer American flicks), so, since the film has already won multiple awards, I decided to chance my arm at buying a pirate copy from one of the hawkers.  Add this to the fact that the TV my husband bought recently is fairly similar in size to a cinema screen and I thought, what the heck - it'll be a cinematic experience anyway!

As promised the film made fab Sunday night viewing and we tried our best not to mind that towards the end (never mind the stutter) the King's Speech and all other dialogue was very definitely out of sync with the various actors' lips.  I thought that Helena Bonham Carter as the Queen (or Queen mother) was fabulous, almost stealing the show but in fact, they were all good.  We loved it.  I'll be interested to see how the pro-Mrs Simpson film that is being made now (by Madonna?) turns out - as Mrs Simpson was one character who, understandably, didn't come off well in the film.  And hang on a minute, was it our pirate dvd or did they keep calling Edward VIII, David?

After The King's Speech - my husband said,
'Funny how you can get a movie that ends with the Second World War being announced, into a feel-good flick?!' But that is beside the point.  We were just pleased for dear old George VI that his speech went off alright, even if the content of the speech was all about girding one's loins and trouble to come etc.


What never ceases to amaze me - is how easy it is to get pirate copies of new release films, either at the, shall we say 'informal', dvd rental shops or just from sellers on the road.  The Kings Speech cost me 250 shillings (I didn't haggle. Our local dvd hire is 150/- per time) and if the copy is not good quality, then Nairobi salesmen assure you that if you return it, you will certainly get a replacement copy - gratis of course. 

In fact, we have long been devotees of the dvd hire shop, once watching the entire collection of The Wire and various other series in order to tide us over the 6-9 month period that we were too tight to pay for DSTV/Satellite (the subscription is horribly expensive, it still pains me to make those monthly payments). 

My daughter once strong-armed me into buying a dvd in England that she couldn't live without; 'St Trinians 2'.  I nearly died when I got to the counter and they wanted 15 pounds 99!  Never again!  Our UK visitors have cottoned on to the fact that, along with kikoy towels, sarongs and beads, pirate dvds are the bargains to look out for and over xmas bought up pirate copies of various current films while in Nairobi (The Town etc). 

I was slightly horrified when my husband's (near to retirement age) UK boss was out here toward the end of last year.  He spotted a local hawker with a bunch of films fanned out in his hand, asked the price and said,  'Seems like an excellent bargain to me!  What do you recommend I buy?'

My husband, mind suddenly blank and caught out on the spur of the moment said, 'Er, well, 'Get him to the Greek's' quite good!' 

Since 'Get him to the Greek', while amusing, is nothing short of soft porn - I imagine that the UK boss would have been watching this movie through his fingers, or else clamping his hands over the eyes of his wife, or worse - his post-teenage kids.  While uncomfortably sitting on the sofa, he must have been thinking to himself,  'I can't believe the bugger did this to me.  How on earth can I get him back?  Terminate contract?'  

Let's hope there will be no boardroom reprisals!

2011 - The year to have your own website?

Surely 2011 will be the year of the website.  Let’s face it, we more or less now all have some sort of web presence.  Whether it is our Facebook page, blog or personal site selling anything from freelance writing skills and fine art, cushion covers to water filters?  The number of web pages out there, whether selling, or some form of social networking, is bewildering.  From what I can see, it seems that everyone is having a go. 

Where once owning a website was the solely the domain of large corporate or big businesses, it has now become simple and cost effective enough for people to build a site almost speculatively and see what happens.  As far as I understand it, you have build a good website, upload some juicy content, add great looking photographs and clever graphics, dream up some search engine friendly tag words to sum up the content on your site; sell some advertising space, maybe join Twitter too, then you can just sit back and wait for traffic to flood in. The resulting revenue will surely build from there?  The assumption has been that no one can fail.  But hang on a minute, is it really that simple?  What exactly would you define as 'success'?

Surely as cyberspace gets increasingly clogged by websites dedicated to almost every topic under the sun, it will be harder to find what you are looking for. Perhaps users will get cynical, tire of endless online searching and falling for the flashiest looking sites? Advertisers might be unimpressed by low hit rates and wonder whether online marketing is all it’s cracked up to be. From what I understand, the ‘click through’ numbers of browsers who move from site to site this way, is very low (my rather pathetic Google Adsense income is testament to this).  I’ve been running Google Ads on my blog for a year and a half now. My total income over that period is now pushing a heady 200 UK pounds – not exactly enough to live on and I am sure I’ve justified spending that blog money on the 'to die for' pair of jeans or cardigan at least a million times over!  My post entitled 'Guinea Pig Adventures' has drawn a record number of hits compared to other posts I've written.  I wondered why, until I discovered that 'Guinea Pig Adventures' is in fact a popular kids online game.

Or am I missing a trick?  I often get asked to contribute written material to new 'content hungry' websites which, for the past year or so, I've been doing gladly and gratis in order to raise my blog readership numbers (my cunning master plan is to have SO many readers that a publisher in his right mind can't fail to be tempted to print my almost finished, rather self indulgent, AMAZING book...however, am not sure how that whole plan is going to pan out....). Having watched my statistics for some time (they've risen only slightly since I've been dotting around all over the place on the world wide web) I'm now wondering if putting in the extra effort is worth it?  Has the flattery gone to my head, making me into the world's biggest mug?  It may be time to change strategy.

And there's another thing; it’s easy to make a website to look good but are they all truly delivering all they promise?  How is policing all this?  Most scarily, I have seen sophisticated websites for children’s charities appealing for donations, where in reality they turn out to be a very far cry from how they appear online.  We’ve all fallen for buying clothes and shoes via online shops that turn out to be disastrous mistakes and difficult to return and let’s be honest, Ebay can be pretty hit and miss.  In an era where it’s even possible to buy a swimming pool online, are ‘virtual’ customers really getting enough service and value for money for their purchases?  Is shopping online for the canny, life's risk takers, or simply for the gullible?

I guess you could say that the backlash has already started with UK discount sites such as www.quidco.com and www.myvouchercode.co.uk . I’ve haven’t used these yet (I’m always slow on the uptake - my sister told me about them) but I understand that by using these sites you pick up voucher codes or even cash back on online purchases, saving on not just products but holidays, car hire, eating-out and even home insurance.

As we push boldly forward in 2011, let’s see if the universal appeal to own your own website or online domain eventually palls.  Or conversely, will it turn out that only the most foolish have not jumped on the bandwagon?  There's a certain amount of vanity in having your own website that is certainly seductive (I should know!).  However, my instinct tells me that making money via social networking, blogging or scooping up new customers by advertising online just can’t be as easy as it looks - but I’d love for somebody to prove me wrong!